4 Surprising Types of Parenting That Cause Harm
Some people think that therapy is about blaming all of your problems on your parents. It’s not. However, like it or not, parenting does have a major impact on children. In childhood you learn who you are, your place in the world, how the world works and how to get your needs met. You learn to adapt to survive. We often carry these patterns we developed in childhood into adulthood and never question them until life is not going as planned and the old methods are no longer working. This is where therapy comes in. In therapy, we explore why you learned to do what you do, what to change and how to change it to help you live a happier and more fulfilled life. Many people are aware of how physical or sexual abuse harms children, but there are other parenting styles that also do harm and are less known. In this blog, we will explore the different types of emotionally immature parents as identified by Lindsay Gibson in her book, “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” and how they impact children in adulthood.
“Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.”
Emotional Parents.
These parents are ruled by their emotions and can be unpredictable, moody, or reactive. Their emotional instability makes them unreliable caregivers, as their children must navigate their ever-changing moods. They may seek comfort from their children rather than providing it. Emotional parents may look like:
The Overwhelmed Parent:
A mother who constantly cries in front of her child about how hard life is, expecting the child to comfort her instead of the other way around. She says things like, "I don’t know what I would do without you. You’re the only one who understands me." The child grows up feeling responsible for managing the parent's emotions.
The Explosive Parent:
A father who has sudden outbursts of anger, yelling or slamming doors over small inconveniences. He may apologize later but never takes responsibility, leaving the child on edge, never knowing what will trigger the next explosion. The child learns to walk on eggshells and suppress their own emotions to avoid conflict.
The Victim Parent:
A parent who constantly blames others—work, their spouse, or even their children—for their unhappiness. They may say things like, "If you weren’t so difficult, I wouldn’t get so upset." The child internalizes guilt and learns that their emotions don’t matter.
The Parent Who Treats Their Child as a Best Friend:
Instead of being a source of stability, they confide in their child about adult problems like financial struggles, relationship issues, or past traumas. The child is forced into a role they are not equipped for, becoming their parent's emotional caretaker.
Adults with an emotional parent may expereince chronic anxiety and hypervigilance. These children grow up always anticipating emotional outbursts or breakdowns from their parents. As adults, they may struggle with anxiety, overthinking, and difficulty relaxing. Since their parent’s emotions always took priority, they may have learned to suppress their own needs to avoid conflict. They might struggle with saying no, setting boundaries, or feeling guilty when prioritizing themselves. Because their parents modeled extreme emotional reactions, they may struggle to regulate their own emotions. They might either suppress feelings to avoid being “too much” or mirror their parent's outbursts in relationships. Some may avoid close relationships, fearing they will have to take on the emotional burden of another person. Others may become overly attached, believing their worth comes from taking care of others. Since they were constantly blamed or made to feel responsible for a parent’s struggles, they may develop deep-seated feelings of unworthiness. This can manifest as perfectionism, self-criticism, or choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable.
Read, “How To Finally Feel Good Enough” to learn how to improve self-worth.
Driven Parents.
These parents are achievement-oriented and perfectionistic. They are often controlling and impose high expectations on their children, pushing them toward success but showing little emotional attunement. They value productivity and results over emotional connection. Driven parents may look like:
The High-Achievement Parent:
A father who insists his child must excel in school, sports, or extracurriculars, constantly pushing them to be the best. He might say things like, "You got a 95? Why not a 100?" or "Second place is just the first loser." The child learns that their worth is tied to their performance rather than who they are as a person.
The Over-Scheduled Parent:
A mother who fills every moment of her child's life with structured activities—music lessons, tutoring, sports, volunteering—leaving no room for rest or creativity. She believes "If you’re not busy, you’re wasting time," and may shame the child for wanting downtime. The child grows up associating relaxation with laziness and may struggle with burnout.
The Controlling Parent:
A parent who micromanages their child's choices, from what they wear to who they befriend to what career they pursue. They may say, "I just want what’s best for you," but dismiss the child’s own desires. The child becomes dependent on external validation and may struggle with decision-making in adulthood.
The Reputation-Obsessed Parent:
A mother who cares more about how her child makes her look than how the child actually feels. She might push the child to be in leadership roles, perform in public, or present a "perfect" family image. If the child expresses feelings of stress, the parent may respond with, "Don’t embarrass me," or "We don’t have time for your emotions." The child learns to suppress their struggles to maintain an illusion of success.
The Workaholic Parent:
A father who prioritizes work above everything, believing that success = self-worth. He may be physically present but emotionally unavailable, saying things like, "Everything I do is for you," while rarely engaging in emotional connection. The child grows up feeling emotionally neglected and may either overwork themselves to earn love or resent the pressure.
Adults that had a parent like this may become perfectionists and fear failure. They learned that mistakes are unacceptable and may become highly self-critical, fearing they are never “good enough.” They may experience impostor syndrome or avoid challenges to prevent failure. Their self-esteem is tied to achievements, so when they aren’t excelling, they feel worthless. They may have difficulty feeling loved for who they are rather than what they do. Since they were conditioned to always be productive, they may struggle to rest without feeling guilty. They often push themselves to exhaustion in careers or personal pursuits. Having been conditioned to follow their parents’ expectations, they may struggle to know what they actually want. They may default to career paths or lifestyles that don’t truly fulfill them. They often struggle with setting boundaries, saying no, or making choices that might let others down. This can lead to people-pleasing behaviors and staying in unfulfilling situations out of guilt.
Read, “Trauma Demystified,” to learn about Big T and little t trauma.
Passive Parents.
These parents avoid conflict and responsibility, failing to protect their children from harmful family dynamics. They may seem easygoing or even kind, but their emotional unavailability and unwillingness to take action leave their children feeling unsupported. Passive parents may look like:
The Conflict-Avoidant Parent:
A mother who refuses to discipline her children or intervene in family conflicts, often saying, “I just want peace” or “Let’s not make a big deal out of it.” If one child bullies another, she ignores it or tells the victim to “just ignore them.” The child grows up feeling unprotected and learns that their feelings don’t matter.
The Parent Who Lets Others Take Control:
A father who allows the other parent (or an extended family member) to dominate decisions, rarely stepping in to advocate for his child. If the mother is emotionally abusive, he might say, “That’s just how she is,” or “I don’t want to get involved. The child feels abandoned, learning that they can’t rely on their parents for support.
The Parent Who Ignores Problems:
A mother who pretends not to notice her child's struggles—whether it’s school stress, mental health issues, or mistreatment from others. She might dismiss complaints with, “You’ll be fine” or “Don’t be so dramatic.” The child learns to suppress their emotions and internalize problems instead of seeking help.
The Emotionally Checked-Out Parent:
A father who spends all his time watching TV, playing games, or working, avoiding real engagement with his children. He may be physically present but emotionally unavailable, responding with a distracted, “Uh-huh” when his child talks to him.The child feels invisible and grows up believing they are not worth attention or love.
The “Go With the Flow” Parent:
A parent who lets the child make all the decisions, even when they need structure or guidance. They may say, “You decide; I don’t really care,” making the child feel unsupported. The child may struggle with self-doubt and decision-making later in life.
Adults that had a parent like this may feel unimportant or invisible. Since their parent didn’t take an active role in their lives, they may believe their needs don’t matter. They may struggle with self-worth and crave validation from others. They may have learned to tolerate mistreatment because no one ever stepped in to protect them. This can lead to unhealthy relationships where they allow others to take advantage of them. Growing up in a home where conflict was avoided, they may struggle with speaking up for themselves. They may either shut down in disagreements or become overly passive to keep the peace. Without consistent parental guidance, they may feel anxious about making decisions and fear they’ll get things wrong. They might constantly seek reassurance from others before making choices. Because they were left to figure things out on their own, they may either become overly self-reliant (not trusting anyone) or feel lost without someone telling them what to do.
Rejecting Parents.
These parents are dismissive, detached, and uninterested in emotional closeness. They may see their children as burdens and prioritize their own needs above nurturing their kids. They are often harsh, critical, or neglectful. A rejecting parent may look like:
The Emotionally Detached Parent:
A father who never asks about his child’s feelings, interests, or experiences. If the child tries to share something personal, he responds with, “I don’t have time for this” or “Figure it out yourself.” The child grows up feeling emotionally invisible and unworthy of attention.
The Parent Who Acts Like Their Child Is a Burden:
A mother who frequently sighs or complains about how difficult it is to be a parent. She might say things like, “I gave up my life for you” or “I can’t wait until you move out.” The child internalizes the belief that their existence is a problem.
The Parent Who Provides Only Basic Needs (But Nothing Else):
A father who ensures his child has food, clothes, and shelter but offers no emotional support, encouragement, or affection. He might say, “I put a roof over your head. What more do you want?” The child grows up with deep emotional loneliness, even in a physically stable home.
The Absent Parent:
A mother who is physically absent due to work, addiction, or personal priorities, leaving the child to raise themselves. Even when present, she is emotionally unavailable, distracted, or disengaged. The child learns to be hyper-independent, believing they can only rely on themselves.
The Parent Who Flat-Out Rejects Their Child:
A parent who refuses to acknowledge their child's emotions, ideas, or struggles, dismissing them with, “Stop being so needy” or “I don’t want to hear it.” They may withhold affection, never say “I love you,” or even refuse physical closeness. The child learns that love and care are conditional—or that they don’t deserve love at all.
Adults that grow up with a parent like this may have deep-rooted feelings of unworthiness. Since their parent ignored or rejected them, they may grow up believing they are inherently unlovable. As adults, they may struggle with self-esteem and seek validation from others. They may avoid emotional intimacy. Emotional neglect teaches children that vulnerability is pointless or dangerous. They may avoid deep relationships, struggle to express emotions, or push people away when they get too close. Having learned that no one would take care of them, they may become extremely self-sufficient, refusing to ask for help. They may struggle in relationships because they don’t trust others to be there for them. Since no one responded to their emotions growing up, they may struggle to recognize or process their own feelings. They might shut down in stressful situations or feel numb instead of emotional. Some may unconsciously seek out neglectful or toxic partners because neglect feels “normal.” Others may push away love and kindness because they don’t feel they deserve it.
If you grew up with emotionally immature parents, it is highly likely that it has impacted you. This does not mean it is a life sentence. Once you recognize your patterns, you can change the ones that no longer serve you. The trick is to realize that the patterns are a problem in the first place. They may have helped you to cope and survive growing up, which is great. Now you can let them go and find better ways to achieve the happy and fulfilling life you deserve.
Need a little extra help getting there? Schedule your free consultation to work with me.
PS. Did you find this post helpful? Join our Therapeutic Book Club in April, where we dive deeper into this book! Through this unique form of group therapy you will not just read the book, but dive into deep discussions, connect with like minded people and learn how to apply what we learn into your own life.
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Disclaimer: All comments are visible to the public. The information provided in this blog post is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your therapist or other qualified healthcare provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition. Never disregard professional advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog post. The author and publisher of this post are not responsible for any actions or inaction you may take based on the information presented in this post.
