What’s wrong with your relationship? (Hint: It’s not communication)
Every Sunday and Monday I am contacted by couples urgently seeking couples counseling. Weekends must bring trouble for couples. I hear many stories of various difficulties that unfolded over the weekend causing people to desperately seek therapy to save their troubled relationship. When I ask what the problem is in the relationship everyone has the same answer, “Communication. If we could just communicate better, we would be great!”
And they’re not wrong….. sort of.
I have no doubt that communication is an issue. However, I think communication is merely a symptom of a bigger problem.
Coincidentally, it is also the reason that I RARELY see couples.
Here are the most common underlying reasons you may be having trouble in your relationship that are deeper than communication.
(DISCLAIMER: If you are in an abusive relationship, please seek help here)
Inability to regulate your nervous system.
When stress arises, your body automatically activates its survival system: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. If you’ve experienced trauma, this response may also kick in when a situation reminds you of past pain, even if you don’t consciously recognize the connection.
In relationships, this can look like:
Fighting or arguing explosively.
Avoiding the issue by shutting down or walking away.
Freezing, feeling paralyzed and unable to respond.
People-pleasing to diffuse tension or avoid conflict.
While in this heightened state, your brain's problem-solving and reasoning abilities shut down, making it nearly impossible to have a productive conversation. What seems like a communication issue is often a nervous system issue.
This is why, after you’ve calmed down, you can suddenly see the problem differently and communicate more effectively. Learning to recognize when you’re dysregulated and taking steps to calm your nervous system—like taking a break, practicing deep breathing, or using relaxation techniques—can significantly improve how you approach conflicts.
Guided Relaxation
Listen to my guided muscle relaxation audio to help you calm down and regulate your nervous system.
Abuse.
Sometimes, people think if they can just communicate better than they will be able to improve the relationship but what is really happening is abuse. No matter how masterfully you communicate, it may not help when the other person is abusive. When you are dealing with a person that is controlling and manipulating it can be very confusing . You may find yourself feeling guilty and blaming yourself for things that aren’t your fault. Abuse can be so insidious that you don’t even realize that it is happening. Abuse is a critical issue that no amount of improved communication can resolve. If one partner is engaging in controlling, manipulative, or harmful behaviors, therapy can become a weapon rather than a tool for healing. You should not be doing couples counseling if you are in an abusive relationship. You should be doing individual counseling.
Abuse can take many forms, including physical, emotional, financial, and psychological manipulation. It often leaves the victim feeling confused, guilty, or responsible for the abuse, which can make it difficult to recognize what’s happening.
Signs of abuse in a relationship include:
Constant criticism or belittling.
Gaslighting (making you question your perception of reality).
Controlling behaviors, such as monitoring your actions or isolating you from loved ones.
Physical violence or intimidation.
If you suspect you’re in an abusive relationship, couples counseling is not the solution. Instead, seek individual therapy and support to safely address the abuse and work toward healing.
(Click here to read more about trauma bonds. “Why It’s So Hard to Leave When It’s Bad”)
Low self-esteem.
People with low self-esteem may believe that they are not deserving of healthy, positive relationships and may even believe that they are the cause of the toxic behavior from their partner. They may also struggle with setting and enforcing boundaries, which can lead to a cycle of repeated abuse. On the other hand, those with higher self-esteem are more likely to have a strong sense of self-worth and value, making it easier for them to recognize and leave toxic relationships. They may also be better at setting and enforcing boundaries, which helps to protect them from abuse. Ultimately, building self-esteem is an important step in breaking free from toxic relationship patterns and creating healthy, fulfilling relationships.
“Again and again he picked me, and no one had ever taught me how to say no.”
― Daniella Mestyanek Young, Uncultured: A Memoir
Codependency.
Fear of being alone or abandoned can drive people to stay in toxic relationships or overextend themselves to keep the peace. This fear often stems from early experiences of neglect or inconsistency and can result in:
Over-giving or sacrificing your needs to maintain the relationship.
Tolerating unacceptable behavior out of fear your partner will leave.
Breaking free from this pattern involves building a sense of self-worth and independence. A healthy relationship is one where both partners feel secure, respected, and supported—not one where fear dictates your actions.
Unresolved Trauma.
Unresolved trauma often shows up in relationships in ways we don’t expect. Past wounds can create heightened sensitivity to certain triggers or make us react to our partner as if they were the source of our pain. This can lead to intense emotional reactions that feel disproportionate to the current situation.
For example, if you’ve experienced neglect or abandonment, you may react strongly to perceived rejection, even when none was intended. Or, if you’ve been hurt in the past, you might unconsciously expect your partner to betray or harm you, leading to defensiveness or mistrust.
Healing unresolved trauma—whether through therapy, EMDR, or other approaches—is crucial for fostering healthier patterns in your relationships.
People Pleasing.
People pleasers and over-givers may be more susceptible to toxic relationships due to their tendency to prioritize the needs and desires of others over their own. This can lead to a lack of boundaries and a willingness to tolerate or even enable abusive behavior from a partner in an attempt to maintain the relationship. Additionally, people pleasers may struggle with feelings of guilt or shame if they feel that they are not meeting their partner's needs, which can further reinforce the cycle of abuse. Ultimately, breaking free from toxic relationships requires developing a stronger sense of self-worth and learning to prioritize one's own needs and boundaries. By recognizing that your own needs are just as important as your partner's, people pleasers and over-givers can create healthier, more fulfilling relationships based on mutual respect and support.
(Click here to learn more about people-pleasing. “A Guide for those that Give and Rarely Get”)
Attachment Issues.
Our early attachment styles—formed in childhood—often influence how we relate to others as adults. If you have an anxious attachment style, you might feel clingy or fearful of abandonment. If you’re avoidant, you might struggle with intimacy or shut down when conflicts arise.
Understanding your attachment style can offer insights into your patterns and help you address the root causes of your struggles. Healing attachment wounds can pave the way for deeper and more secure connections.
Final Thoughts.
In conclusion, through self-awareness, healing emotional wounds, and changing your mindset and behaviors, you can begin to attract and keep healthy and loving relationships. At Life Revised, I help people do this all the time. If you are ready to have the healthy and loving relationships you desire, schedule your free consult with me and let’s get started!
Did I leave anything out? Leave a comment and let me know why you think some people attract toxic relationships.
Disclaimer: The information provided in this blog post is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your therapist or other qualified healthcare provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition. Never disregard professional advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog post. The author and publisher of this post are not responsible for any actions or inaction you may take based on the information presented in this post.
